Monday, November 30, 2009

HELL


November 30, 2009 - Monday

Hell
Current mood: awake
Category: Life
Okay, so I'm tooling along, off of morphine and then the weather does this low pressure game and damn near kills me, so for two days I have to take something..... I go four days without and the weather is going from high 60's to the 30's with teens on the way and I'm feeling like I have a shot gun blast to the chest, the only thing missing is the gaping holes and blood.
I can put a 10 pound bag of ice on my chest and I get good and numb and don't feel anything until the ice melts. Incomes first slowy the ice pick stab to the clavicale and then like bee stings on steroids the single stab becomes an assault and I'm thinking to my self, has the patch been off long enough to use the gel so I won't be mixing the two... WTF?
It's only the pain that I managed to surpress for so many years using morphine to take my conscience away, Hell this pain is my F**kin BEACON, what am I doing not creating, writing, painting... oh yeah that stabbing f**king pain when I breathe and move my arms.. I have to figure out a way to outsmart the pain. One effective way I think would be to take my favorite 9 lb. hammer and smash the offending clavicular sternum joint, yeah, that will teach that whimpy old ache who the Hell has the control over the real pain man...
Then I pick up Cadmium Red, Yellow and cobalt blue and put a face to the cowardly pain that tries to steal my energy because it can't think of anything more creative to do than hurt...BITCH

Friday, November 27, 2009

4:20am again


While the rest of the world seems to be resting I find myself in front of my mac again putting the thoughts that run rampant in their playground of my cerebellum into and on to another form, a transference from one dimension to another, coincidentally close they are dimension and dementia. Creation begins as thought, like seeds broadcast into our cosmic atmosphere located partway in between intention and conception.
Saying it makes it so.
Once verbalized, thoughts infiltrate another plane vibrating with the resonance of the voice reverberating with and through the natural energy flow. To perhaps influence
or be absorbed by an idea, a ripple, on its way from the concept tossed into the reservoir of possibilities.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

The last thought that went through its mind....

Physics were on my side as the cockroach in the cup of coffee I brought to my lips rose to the nose side of the cup... I noticed his lifeless body, "wings" spread eagled rise and float into this, my peculiar feild of vision. With one long painted finger nail I scooped his lifeless body from my cup and flicked him unceremoniously into the trash can beside my desk. I thought for a second, damn I hate to waste a good cup o' joe, so I scanned and swirled the lift giving liquid for any stray body parts and noticed none, so I didn't.
Slow forward to the late evening or middle of the night as the non Night Owls refer to it... when I nuke a cup of coffee and add in Baileys for creamer. The coffee pot was mysteriously turned on. This has happened in the past a couple of times and all I could figure is the croaches that reside in my house have a condo under the coffee pot and were turning up the heat but in light of the situation I think that the friends and relatives of the afore mentioned roach were grieving and planning a funeral pyre for their fallen comrade.
On another, less squirmy note but none the less uncomfortable, I had managed 4 days with no morphine until the mother of all low pressure systems came a callin' and the pain in my body was incendiary, I broke down and took some for pain. Damn it. I felt so weak, what's the pain of 60 broken bones like to a hard head like myself... HELL.
I haven't taken any since, so I start over at the beginning and now am 2 days off the phine.
No withdrawal symptoms but damn I love that warm fuzzy no pain feeling.
I love the fact that on some of the places my blogs are posted there are ads for treatment centers... that's all great if you have money or insurance! I'm laughing my ass off because I had to go solo Haans and use the herbal relief method. Had I a choice I would have gone for the "Coma" therapy. They put you in a coma until the D.T.'s are over and then bring you back out... nooo not for me, I had to do it over a 3 year period and then to the "cut it into dust specks" arrangement, with all of the Junkie symptoms. Well it made me stronger because here I blog...
Happy Thanksgiving all you other Turkeys out there! May your coffee be cockroach free!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Much More Diversity to Come

I started blogging for a creative outlet, and then to vent my frustration with my pain management clinic, dealing with the dependence to morphine as I went through the withdrawals alone... Now I believe that I am back at the beginning of this circle and can hardly wait to share some really good writing with anyone who will read and enjoy..

Loyal to the MAX!

What's up with MLM? The product MAX GXL works so well for me yet others around me are going for the next big MLM product. How can you believe in a product but only if it earns money for you? I haven't made a cent, borrowed the money to invest because I believe in it so much, yet my uplinks are spouting new products that make money faster... When does your belief in a product change because of money? I'll stick with MAX and tell as many people and hand out all of my product in free samples because I know it works and it will work for you if you try it too. Healthy or unwell it will give you a glowing health that is nothing short of miraculous!
More to come...

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

And so it goes....

November 23, 2009 - Monday

Category: Life
.. .. .. .. .. .. ....

I made my appointment with MAP (pain management in Kansas) last Wednesday and did discover a few things, I have not been fired from the program. They will not order the MRI or CAT Scan my D.O. requested. Nor were they open to my request not to be on preventative pain measures but on a as needed basis. If I need a low dose of say vicodin, 30 pills in 3 months or 10 a month or 10 in 10 months, I should be supported by them. When I tried to talk with the Nurse Practitioner about the quality of life improvement taking Max GXL I had when my pain was under control and how I believed that it was one of the most important parts of my recovery process I was basically dismissed. After all, what would a patient that has been with them so many years and has undergone so much damage to bones and nerves possibly know? I feel the Pain Management Clinic's doctors are victims of their own training and need to open their minds to the holistic and herbal remedies available to all their clients. As it is, the patients are suffering most from the doctor's inability to see past the pharmaceutical companies latest substance.

Generally my pain is greatest when we have a wicked low pressure storm systems. In our area we have more high pressure movement. They being in Kansas are not covered by MO. Medicaid so I pay cash. I requested my records be sent to my new D.O. in MO. I don't see any reason to pay $75.00 a visit to get scripts for the same thing my DO and Shrink give me, and the visits and meds are covered. The only advice that the Pain management specialists gave me was take 8 zanaflex a day, use the anti-inflammatory patches 12 hours on, 12 off and Voletran gel, but not together.

I have noticed that I am pretty spacey from the xanax and clonadine patch but functional. Almost like a scene out of "Awakenings" twitching or thinking so fast that it stops me until I get a little touch or push forward to unstick The worst of the withdrawals hasn't returned. The pain on the other hand has been excruciating. Between it and the "when it rains, it pours" psychological stress that has been piling on, I would say it is wearing me down. I am looking forward to the day, (in the not to distant future) when my creativity is not fleeting or stymied in my battle with the New Reality Check...I am grateful for my new friends and their support and words of encouragement and for those in "the circle of trust" who remind me how much I am needed and that things will get better, i know certainly that it has to because blogging about the same crap is tiring even me, so look forward to more interesting blog topics. As always, if you aren't allergic to shell fish, mushrooms and milk thistle you need to get on the MAX.

I have discovered that the MAX product, Infuse has more of the 10 vitamin pills I take daily, in one small tasty orange drink (liquid pouch), I like to mix it with cold pineapple, orange, bannanna juice and hit it in the morning. The Infusion works in conjunction with MAX GXL and contains the same amount of max (Glutathione booster) as the capsules alone, This is the stuff that all the athletes and sports teams are going crazy about because it cuts their recovery time from games, training and work outs in some cases by half. Pretty amazing product. Did you know every living organism on land has to have glutathione to exist?
....

Thursday, November 19, 2009

A Friend Indeed



....Before I started MAX GXL, I had a conversation with my long time nurse practitioner (N.P.) who is more of a doc than almost any other doctor I have met, about the fact that I may becoming tolerant to amount of pain meds that I had been on for quite awhile. When she told me that the next step for me was Methadone, quite frankly I got worried. Why would I change to something that I had never tried, something I have been through with very close friends and something that has such a stigma attached to it? So I told her I would stay where I was at. A few days later in kind of a fluke of happenstance I was introduced to MAX GXL.

A good friend, E V Newland who was visiting me one afternoon shook my hand, (he had no idea of the pain in my hands) nearly dropping me to my knees. He was very apologetic as I collected myself and I explained that the same arthritic conditions that is in all my injury sites, chest, ribs, back and pelvis had manifested in my hands giving me hot swollen joints and unbearable pain. It had been about 1 and a half years since I had been able to use my hands effectively. I typed with one finger on each hand and any task, like opening a jar or even closing the front door tight had to be relegated to my 7 (at the time) year old Grandson. One day I couldn’t pull the door shut tight, was gone 20 minutes and came back to a burglarized home.

Earl told me he had something in his truck to help and made me promise that if he gave me samples I would take it faithfully daily and let him know what I thought. He gave me a red box containing a weeks supply of MAX GXL. I started that very next day and I’ll be damned, Within 3-4 days I was able to use all 10 fingers to type. I thought to myself, if this is a fluke, I think I want to try another week. So I asked Earl for another weeks sample. I noticed that not only had my hands continued to improve but my energy level seemed to be up, not a sudafed, cotton mouthed, caffeine thing but a subtle, miss a nap or two energy boost. At the end of the third week I knew that I didn’t want to lose this feeling or the benefits and asked for another. sample. Earl knowing that I have a limited budget graciously consented and told me that this product is also a great home business and if I believed in this product I should think about becoming a distributor because it can’t be bought any other place but from an Max Associate. With that in the back of my mind I continued taking the MAX. During a regular monthly visit to the M.A.P. I shared this initial revelation with my N.P. doc. The next month, still feeling energized, reduced pain in my joints, something new began to happen. Focus and the feeling of well being because I felt more together, getting quality sleep so my life didn’t feel controlled by the narcotics. I began to cut back on the medication. Until a month ago, and with pain management, I had my pain under control. Each week that I continued taking MAX GXL I noticed increased benefits. The greatest for me was the shift in attitude that I had more emotional control of my daily pain. The realization that I had the option of being moody and distressed because my pain controlled every aspect of my life, being in pain all of the time is exhausting but now with help from the MAX GXL I am able to look forward to getting up and going each day with a smile in my heart knowing that I can help other people in the same situation that I am in.

On my next visit to M.A.P. I agreed to see a different Nurse Practitioner to help my regular (Nurse Practitioner N.P.) Doc get through a back up in patients. While waiting for this “doc” to come in, I looked at this “pain scale” that was sitting on the window ledge of her office. This scale which shows a frowning face, (big pain) at one end of the scale and at the opposite end a happy face, (no pain). I have made a conscious choice to be happy and not mope, cry, drag myself or others around me down with the negativity of my pain any longer. So does this shift in attitude and energy make me any less in pain because I don’t have a big frown on my face?

It has been nearly 4 months since I have seen my “regular’ N.P. and I as soon as I am not infecting people with the H1N1 virus I will be seeing her again. I know that she will appreciate the good I have accomplished for myself with the aid of MAX GXL, as well as the strides I have made in my withdrawals without resorting to the crutch of methadone or seboxin. Granted I still have pain, I can not control the low pressure weather systems that still affect my pain level and I will probably always have pain from my injuries but the days when I feel so low mentally that I just can’t function are hopefully a thing of the past, thanks to MAX GXL.